MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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