Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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