Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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