His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
