i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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