I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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