When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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