There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
