Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
