when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
