I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
