can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
