Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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