please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
