I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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