i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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