I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
