At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize