Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
