the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
