I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
