I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
