I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
