Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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