____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My bed smells like the plague
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
