If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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