If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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