he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
