kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
