just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
