I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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