We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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