Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
