Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
