Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
