So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
