so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
