i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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