She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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