It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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