why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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