It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
my liver is dry heaving
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
