Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
