Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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