Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
