I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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