I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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