I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
