I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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