my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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