I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
